Friday, March 24, 2006

Still On?


Stav and Paris attempt to refute break up rumors by shopping together at the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood. Yeah, Paris did this with Paris, too--smile and photograph nicely until I'm ready to move on, please.

Brit Brit Never Changes



Brit Brit and KFed played craps in Vegas where Britney donned her usual glamorous attire and her giant frappucino accessory. Then Kevin jetted off to Atlanta to be on the morning show, promoting his upcoming album. I'm shuddering as I say this, but he looks kind of hot without his Fabio mane. Ew, what's wrong with me? I must be hung...

Nicole's New Job


Due to her shrinking size and her love of being high, Nicole Richie has replaced the previous Tooth Fairy. She is considering giving out oversized sunglasses instead of the usual change because "change is so five years ago. I throw that shit on the ground because it's so heavy to hold."

That boy has caught on and is chasing her down for his first pair of shades. Nicole will use the teeth to make a new line of necklaces to replace the ever popular horn necklace that is also so over.

Nothing's More Fun Than...


A college sweatshirt party! It's actually pretty weird to see these kids looking so normal (aka not prancing around in Chanel at your public high school, Mischa). The gang will soon confront their college acceptance/rejection letters.

Benjamin could not look any gayer if he tried.

Stork Watch: Drew and Lea Lachey


Drew and Lea Lachey welcomed their first child, a girl, in LA yesterday morning. All are doing well. No name has been released. Congrats!

News in a Flash

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow revealing that they are having a boy and will name it Mortimer after Gwyneth's godfather, Steven Spielberg. Morty and Apple...they don't even have a chance, do they?

Kyle MacLachlan (aka Tre from Sex in the City) joining Desperate Housewives as the newest love interest of Teri Hatcher.

Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond) in talks to host her own talk show. Lord help us.

Drew Lachey to host the Miss USA pagaent in April with Nancy O'Dell.

David Hasselhoff's estranged wife claiming he threw her in a car, broke her nose, and verbally abused her in front of their children.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

LOL!

Therapy for Jessica Simpson

South Park: Marina Style



Sometimes D.O.N. gets bored at work, too. Ok, all the time. So here is a little pic I drew up of some of my high school friends and I.

First row is Zim, Whorey, Heather, and Krisi. There's me on the left looking about how I would if you encountered me at night, although I don't often wear a bustier. Or pearls for that matter. That's Taygizzle next to me, also angry and drunk as I am. There's Lex, looking happy and having fun. And on the right, SiaMac, about to crabcake. I tried to make your skin the right color, but you ended up looking sort of weird.

Now everybody knows what we look like so say hi if you see us out. We look just like this.

I Know You're Bored

Kelly's a bitch, Sabrina's a bore, Click right here and see some
more...


Denise Loves Her Babies





















For all her faults, Denise Richards seems like a really good mom. Here she is out in Malibut with her two daughters. The one in pink unfortunately looks a lot like Charlie.

Yin and Yang

Ancient Chinese philosophy tells us for everything good there has to be something bad. May I present Terrance Howard and Robin Williams.

Brit Brit Not Preggy


Britney through hubby KFed a 28th birthday bash at Tao in Las Vegas on Tuesday night. They, along with 10 guests, ate sushi and appetizers served by midgets (I'm not kidding). Kevin downed Jack & Coke in a wife beater & Yankees cap, followed by shots chased with beer. Britney had cosmos (hence, not preggo). Then they headed to Pure where Britney danced barefoot (again, not kidding) to her requested Prince tunes. They called it a night around 2 a.m.

UPDATE: Vegas desk LP informs that Brit Brit was downing champagne and amaretto sours at Pure. Amaretto Sours? What is she 19 and using a fake id? KFed is reportedly in town to do a small warm up gig for his album, set to drop like an atomic bomb on April 25th.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Who's Scarier?


Pink Hart or Sharon Stone?

It's true, Pink has brute strength on her side, but I think you'd be dead before the fight with Sharon Stone. She'd just spread her legs and lift up her skirt and it would have the same effect as on those people who watched the tape in The Ring.

Nick & Jessica: Road to Recovery

Nick "Don't Feel Sorry For Me" Lachey has just finished shooting his video for "What's Left of Me," co-starring the lovely Vanessa Minnillo of TRL. Everything in the video ends up disappearing around him. But don't feel sorry for him! I have to say, in this split, Nick for sure took the good PR team. He's doing it all right.

Jessica has a brand-new venture in the works, Jessica Hair Extensions! Look for them in a JC Penny's near you this fall, just in time for Halloween!

My Favorite OC Housewife: Jo


Jo de la Rosa is the 25 yr. old, engaged girl on the show. She's from Peru and attended UC Irvine when her fresh from college job landed her at a business meeting with Slade, her fiance. He is seeking the perfect housewife, one who will love to stay home with the kids, cook, clean, the whole nine yards. But as we saw in episode 1, Jo is a fairly normal (if a bit of a golddigger) mid-20's girl. She loves going out and getting drunk with her friends, smoking ciggys, and is really bored by staying at home doing nothing all day--so she tends to fill her days with booze. She has no interest in her future step-kids and it seems her relationship with Slade is purely sexual. She attempts to break into the local cougar circle by hitting the bar for a vodka tonic mid-day and letting loose on all her problems to a table full of strangers. She clearly doesn't understand how close knit communities work. I saw those cougars sharpening their claws.

The big social issue here is what is expected of, as Jo puts it, a "kept woman"? She is not contributing in any way to the family, yet she isn't his slave. Does she owe him something for providing for her or is that just his problem to deal with?

I think Jo will be the most fun to watch. She'll either develop a drinking problem or lose the fiance. Stay tuned...

Scout is Fug!


To have Demi Moore as a mom and then to look like this. Poor girl. She must have Kelly Osbourne complex. Her outfit really doesn't help things. I love how Demi is holding a giant purse over her stomach to help fuel those pregnancy rumors.

I'm So Damn Busy These Days

Here I am in L.A. serving as a judge for Women in Film's Girls in the Director's Chair event. The organization helps promote women to take behind the camera roles in the entertainment industry.

My purse is the best thing ever. Now all I need is a dog and life is perfect.

Hot Couple of the Minute: Amanda Bynes & Channing Tatum



They play on-screen love interests in She's The Man, but it looks like they are heating up off-screen as well. Amanda is out and about with Channing looking very much in love. This could be a publicity stunt, but who cares, I like it.


















What a Difference Some Surgery Makes


JJB posted this recent pic of Hilary Duff at L.A.'s fashion week compared with her during her Lizzie McGuire days. Holy hell! I never realized how different her nose looks. Can you lose nose fat naturally? And look at how nice her teeth were before, why did she have to go and implant horse dentures?

I lament the loss of baby Hilary.

News in a Flash


Joan Rivers signing up for Match.com in hopes of snagging a man between the age of 65 and 75.

Fred Savage and his wife expecting their first child.

Steven Tyler going under the knife for a throat complication, cancelling the rest of Aerosmith's North American tour.

Eva Longoria continuing to embarrass herself by annoucing on Extra and Access Hollywood that, while she is the "teacher" in the relationship, Tony is very skilled in the bedroom. Shut yer yap already!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Legacy of Fug Lives On

Rod Stewart and wife show off their little bundle of fug. They were out shopping for breast implants for the baby so she can start being as trashy as her sister as soon as possible.

TiVo Control: The Real Housewives of the OC



I know this will just put Taylor over the edge, but I'm so season-passing this if I like it when it premieres tonight on Bravo. Kimberly, Jeana, Lauri, Vicki, and Jo are housewives living in Orange County and wishing they had a little of what the kids on Laguna Beach had. Plus a little security in case of divorce isn't a bad idea for some cougary golddiggers.

The cameras follow them around their "jobs," diamond parties, and botox treatments, these ladies have a lot on their plate. One is married to a professional athlete, one just got divorced and is dealing with downsizing her life and her fresh out of juvey son (so Ryan Atkins), and one (I'm guessing the miss on the far right) is in her 20's and just married a divorced dad named Slade Smiley (are you kidding me???) who lives in the community.

Sia, it's up to you to spearhead Season 2: Danville Divas. We could hold casting calls at Meenar's.

Who's Tan Looks Mystical?

















So lifelike, so real. While Mariah has favored a Charlize Theron orange for her latest video shoot, Paris has gone for that "I LITERALLY just stepped out of the booth and did not have a second to towel off the paint drops" glow.

Mariah is totally going to rip that necklace off Paris. Bitch. Don't you know Mariah, like, trademarked the butterfly back in '99? You get the color pink, she gets butterflies. Get it straight.

Hugs Mean I Love You

Tom: The cameras are here, right on time. Quick, hug me.
Isabella: Dad, no, I am only contracted to 60 photographic hugs per week. This is over my limit!
Tom: Be a good girl and hug me. I'll give you extra Scientology vitamins tonight if you do it!
Isabella: Dad, I sell those on eBay anyways! Stop it, you're hurting me!

Tom: It's not me, it's the alien force inside me that's hurting you. I love you like a wife...I mean daughter.

Isabella: Foster care was way better than this! (Tear) This will be up all over school on Monday.

Tom: Shhh, shhh. When we get to the Mothership, none of this will matter. Besides, I found the perfect husband to contract you to. I know you are a little young, but he did a big favor for me by quitting his job.

Isabella: Who? Danny Masterson? I thought they cancelled That 70's Show?

Tom: They did. I meant Isaac Hayes. You'll be the coolest girl in school, married to "Chef" from South Park! Plus I tried his chocolate salty balls and they are delicious! The recipe, I mean.

Reason #4



More photographic proof of the reason I hate that Corey Hart is married to Pink Hart.
<----HOT
FUG!---->

A Letter to Kristin Cavalleri



KCav-

You look fiercely used up! Girl, I know you are probably hungover from the countless B-list events you just have to attend and from stragetically hanging out where Nick Lachey might be to shameless promote yourself, but I know you have a stylist out there somewhere who is not doing their job.

The jeans are a pair that you should have left back in your closet in Laguna or given to Brit Brit to cut up into a pair of shorts with the pockets hanging out to wear while swimming.

The shirt makes your teenage boobies look deflated and sad, remembering a time when they snuggled together but now live inches apart.

The makeup is so LC, minus the severe blushing going on in pic #2--I'm guessing that's the post-drinking hot-flashes/pre-drinking again jitters.

And finally, the hair. You are still rockin' your signature side-swept bangs, but what happened to the ends? You couldn't afford real extensions so you cut off your American Girl dolls hair and taped it on? Please. Get help.

I have received mail begging me to hate you (Emily B.), but I'm giving you one more chance. Please date someone worthy and go back to doing what you do best, being a catty, self-involved bitch on reality television. There's hope for you yet.

Besos,
D.O.N.

The Real Attraction

Everybody knows Hayden Christiansen is a little more into Clay Aiken than say some other natural chick. Which explains why he is into Sienna. Those long flowing locks, those giant boobs, that girlish sense of style...it's the perfect hetero relationship for a gay gay gay man.

I think she may have finally secured both her dream roles: Mary Martin in Peter Pan and Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

Grandma Paris


Paris is pretty high on my list of people I hope to never see become parents, however this photo gives us a glimpse as to what she'd be like as a grandma. With the aid of plastic surgery, she could pretty much remain like this for the next 20 years. And her dress will be in style then. She should save this to wear to my wedding when I'm 40.

Hot Couple of the Minute: Dog and Beth


Dog the Bounty Hunter and Beth, his girlfriend and business partner of 16 years are set to wed on May 20th of this year. Danny Bonaduce, Hulk Hogan, and Wynonna Judd will all be in attendance.

[For Alexa]

Hope You Had This Much Fun



The band took this photo and posted it online.
I'm behind that guy, having fun, but not nearly as much fun as Taylor.
This is how you get 'er done St. Patty's style.

The Poor Nurses!


Star Jones and Big Gay Al are in the hospital. He fell while working out and required stitches to the head, she had complications with a breast lift.

You know Al only goes to the gym to check out guys. Living with Star and having to look at her fat ugly bug eyes every morning would surely induce vomiting on a regular basis, bypassing the need for physical exercise.

How To Spell Success


Have these people at your event. L.A. Fashion Week has kicked off and all the best celebs came out to play. Courtney Love looks like those giant creatures that chased the Fraggles around Fraggle Rock.










Monday, March 20, 2006

Where in the World is LiLo?


LiLo has been MIA for awhile, but has popped back up in NY doing one of her favorite things, shopping! This dress appears to cinch at the bottom like a laundry bag, which I don't approve of. However, if it actually is a laundry bag, it is a very glamorous one. Maybe LiLo was like, "Ugh, I have nothing to wear! I'll just wear the laundry bag and be really unique." That Lindsay, such an original.

Chaotic: The Sequel?

It has been reported that Britney is in talks to star in a second season of her UPN show Chaotic. I have previously read that she would not do any more reality TV, but word is that this show will focus almost entirely on her life. Kevin is supposedly out of the show because he's preparing to launch his own reality show tailing his album release.

KFed Makeover?


Brit Brit and KFed leave Koi on St. Patrick's Day. Britney is in the car, KFed is outside the car. Goodness gracious, does it look like Kevin may have chopped off his luscious locks? Britney is the first one to deserve a makeover, but I will applaud Kevin stepping out of his ghetto fab routine if this is true.

News in a Flash

Eva Longoria telling Allure magazine that her boyfriend Tony Parker has only been with one other woman and that she is his "teacher." Oh. My. Embarrassing.

Fox ordering two more seasons of The Simpsons, taking the show into its 19th season.

Donald Trump and wife Melania welcoming a baby boy. 1st child for her, 5th for him.

Lizzie Grubman, star of MTV's PoweR Girls was married on St. Patty's Day (how appropriate for a lush) in New York.

Brad and Angelina did NOT wed this past weekend.

Happy 1st day of Spring and happy birthday to my mamacita!

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